Last Thursday I looked around my place and said out loud, “this is a mess.” It wasn’t a dirty mess, but in such a chaotic state. It was that point where you realize that sometimes you have to make more of a mess before you can clean up the mess. It’s the space where things get worse before they get better. I don’t know if you can see my point yet, but let’s just say it can become overwhelming.
A friend I really wanted to see was coming into town. His accommodations fell through. He’s a really clean, neat guy who pays attention to detail. He was the best host when I visited and spent time with him in his town. I had a strategy for straightening up just enough for him to get a quick view of where I lived. Then I would shift him down to the new unit I was moving into to get the focus off of the clutter. Boxes were strategically placed to imply ‘this woman is moving and is not normally this messy’. But there was no way he could have sat in the chaos or worse yet slept in the chaos without judging or feeling completely overwhelmed. My heart sank when our weekend plans were changed because my place was most definitely not in a “house guest state”. I reviewed it over and over in my mind, but kept coming to the same conclusion: Toni you must get yourself and your home in order. Was there anything I could have done differently? Maybe I could have communicated more clearly about the mental and emotional stress related to this move? Maybe I could have let go of wanting to impress him? Maybe I could have not pretended like I was “fine” and in control of everything? We were on the phone and I really wanted to breakdown and cry. I had no idea why at the time, but as I fill up trash bags and donation boxes I get more clarity.
Every year of our lives is significant for one reason or another, but 2010 is a symbolic year for me. I will remember it as the year I fully embraced who I am as a woman. I am not sure if I have ever lived with this much self-acceptance. I know that I’ve never owned my personal power the way that I am now. I’ve had a team of elders, healers, coaches and friends who love me support my transformation. My boundaries have never been so clear and I have never articulated them so clearly. It’s a ‘pleasantly intense’ year and it’s only June! My friendships are deeper and richer, my connections to family are more authentic and more compassionate and I intend for my love relationship to be just as powerful. I am affirming and seeking a partnership that both nurtures me and lifts me to higher levels of living. No more ‘hanging out’. My life’s work demands that I have health and harmony in each area of my world. 2010 will be the year that Planet Toni orbits into the galaxy, surrounded by star clusters and asteroids, no longer seeking happiness, but being happy; no longer seeking love, but being love. It’s amazing…..the inner-growth a little move can inspire. 🙂